Category Archives: Co-Parenting

Who Should Have Child Custody after Divorce

The Greatest Danger to Our Children: Nearly 4 out of every 10 children are being raised without their fathers.

For decades women have been winning the battle when it comes to child custody. Not only is this heartbreaking to dads everywhere but it is also unfortunate for our children. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that mothers are bad parents, however should our children’s fate simply be determined because of the sex of the parent?

There are all sorts of information on the web that tries to instill fear into men when it comes to fighting for custody of their children. Threats from their spouse of child abuse or domestic violence, the problem is – this does happen and whether it is true or not the father ends up trying to convince everyone of his innocence. But the problem with this is the assumption that the majority of women out there would say such terrible things about their husbands just so they win in court. I really have a hard time believing this to be the rule rather than the exception.

Divorce is a sticky situation and typically all hell is breaking loose and neither parent wants to lose visitation with their kids and if common ground can’t be found then things will really get bad. So who should get custody of the children after divorce?

Children go through stages, sometimes they will bond with mom and at different times with dad. When looking at where the child should live there are many considerations. In this instance we are talking about physical custody of the child, who the child will live with primarily. Again there are several factors to look at but as for whether mom would make a better parent over dad based on sex is a hard pill to swallow and vise versa.

Children love both their parents, usually unconditionally for years and years. Children need parents that are emotionally available to them that can provide a stable, loving, and safe environment. I believe that a father can raise his child just as good as a mom. Consider this, those of you that disagree, studies show that children need their fathers; fatherless children are three times more likely to fail school, require psychiatric treatment and commit suicide as adolescents. Of course there are many reasons why a father may not be present in their kids lives but no parent should give up that right.

Here is the gist of things… A survey conducted by Phillips and Comanor concluded:

The absence of either parent has a significant effect on the kids having one kind of pathology or another, but the absence of a father tends to have a more significant effect, and it seems to more seriously affect the sons.”

Children need both parents, there are instances where this just isn’t going to happen but as parents we need to be able to put our children first and if you can’t save the marriage you need to do what it takes so both parents can be active in your child’s lives. Two healthy people with out drug problems or emotional problems should be able to accomplish this, the ones with these problems should not have the primary custody.

Take an honest logical approach when it comes to determining your child’s future. Love, nurture, routine, discipline, safety, stability, healthy environment, financial, and education are all considerations.

Dealing with an Uncooperative Ex

Over the years things have changed when it comes to custody of their children after divorce. Dads are actually getting more favorable arrangements. Granted, it is all about what is best for the kids but who’s to say that dad isn’t? I have been blessed with primary physical custody of my daughter but it was not easy and it definitely wasn’t a quick process.

Being a single divorced parent definitely has its challenges. There is a lot to deal with and for the most part you are doing everything alone. You and the ex could not agree before on things so why is that going to change now? Let me tell you, it doesn’t. Even though you both feel you are trying to do what is right for the children it seems that isn’t enough. This can lead to hostility and make things worse for the kids.

What Should You Do?

There are times when your ex, in an overly charged emotional state, involves the children in adult matters. They are told things they shouldn’t be told and they are used as weapons and bargaining chips against you. This is unfortunate for the children at any age because they love both parents, very much. When the children start to get confused they will start to act out, no matter what happens, even if they throw a temper tantrum while spending time with you don’t give up and don’t lose control. This isn’t the kid’s fault and their opinions are primarily based on what their parents say to them.

Always keep yourself in check with both the children and your ex. Don’t give the other parent the satisfaction of knowing how angry or hurt you are and above all don’t retaliate, that makes you no better than they are. Keep your conversations with your ex as brief as possible and business-like, it is also a good idea to document conversations.

Stick to the Court Ordered Divorce Decree
If you have a lawyer, keep him up to date on matters. Follow court orders on child support, other financial support, visitations, etc. If there is a change to anything such as visitations get it in writing and have both parents’ signatures on it. Remember, the only reason your ex can give to deprive you of your kids is abuse or threats against their safety. If this occurs, cooperation and being open to supervised visits will show the court that you are being falsely accused.

If your ex refuses to let you see the children when it is your turn don’t get hostile. This could hurt you down the road, instead follow legal procedures and file a grievance. Keep a record of your activities in case you need to return to court or answer questions.

What you should never do is involve the children in this kind of situation. Keep problems between you and your ex. This can be hard at times especially if your ex is telling the kids bad things. Simply loving the kids, providing a stable home environment, and having fun with them will speak louder than what the other parent is saying. Kids are smart so don’t sell them short and as they grow they will appreciate you even more. Dealing with these kind of situations can be very difficult so don’t be afraid to get help from a professional counselor for both you and the children. Remember that it is your responsibility to do what is best for them.

There is almost nothing worse than dealing with an uncooperative ex, however there are some things you can do to protect yourself. Read more about dealing with the Coparenting Nightmare.

Dating Tips For Men After Divorce

Watch out ladies here I come! That’s what you’re probably thinking your first night out since the divorce. Then reality hits. It’s been ages since you’ve dated, you don’t know what to do, and you feel awkward.

Step One

It is important to recognize that you are ready before beginning to date again. Certain opinions and preconceptions on your part may come out during conversations, and nothing drives a girl away more than a killjoy cynical man.

Stay Away From Night Clubs!!!

If you want to meet someone to establish a relationship clubs, aren’t a very good idea. Aside from the fact that it’s difficult to talk due to loud music, girls who go to clubs are on the prowl. They are playing “the be what the other wants you to be game”; it’s hard enough that you’ve got issues to deal on your own. don’t make it harder on yourself by adding more.

Where to Make New Connections

The best and safest way of meeting someone is through friends. Friends can set you up with people who they think might have something in common with you, and who you might like in return. Get your friends to set up a group date, that way you won’t feel obligated to date her in case you don’t have anything in common.

Another suggestion is that you could be more active participating in your community and do volunteer work. When you present yourself to help the community, you tend to lean towards programs that are of the utmost interest or are similar to your hobbies. There you will meet people who are probably at the same wavelength as you are. The amazing thing about this idea is that no matter what happens, you take away fun and happiness with the experience of camaraderie, meeting someone is just a bonus.

The Internet

The information superhighway is inundated with numerous websites for internet dating. Some of these sites are quite dependable. Surely you can find somebody who has a lot in common with you in the millions of members internet dating companies have.

Internet dating is a good prospect because it eliminates the hassles of having to go out of your house before finding someone. However you have to beware. If an internet dating company does not have stringent rules people who sign up might be fraudsters. Others also misrepresent themselves. That is the downside of the internet, because anyone can pretend to be somebody else. They can upload photos of another person to make them look more attractive.

Be wary of dating a co worker. Many a lawsuits filed stems from office romance. You have to be careful or you can end up being labeled a womanizer and a harasser,

Be upbeat and have fun in your approach to dating. Do not put too much pressure on yourself. Dwelling on your ex and what she thinks will only make easing into the dating scene will only make in more difficult for yourself. If your biggest concern is your kids, explain to them how you are not replacing their mother. They will also not lose you just because you found someone to be with. Instead of losing you they are actually gaining a friend. It is imperative that your new friend should accept the idea that you have children and your children realize that you need someone to be fulfilled.

Managing Visitations after Divorce

Visitation Tips for Divorced Fathers

Divorced fathers sometimes dread the act of visitation because of the abrupt time that they spend with their children. These times are very limited, and for a father, even a whole day is not enough to spend with your own kid. This is different than living in one house and having all the time in the world playing or talking to one’s children, a lot different than a divorced dad. This may not be easy for other dads out there, so here are some tips on how to ease the tension when visiting.

Take it one step at a time

Do not rush to your kids all at once. Things may be awkward at first, but eventually all these awkwardness fades away. Just give yourself time to gel with the kids. Patience plays a big factor with this one.

Plan your day

What you can do is plan ahead of time before your visit. Consider this as your weekend with the kids. You can take them hiking or camping, or any outdoor events that \all of you could enjoy. Teach your kids to fish or go birdwatching. Remember, this is your time to bond with them.

Be spontaneous

Some kids may have planned their day with their dad ahead also, so one should be spontaneous. Letting the kids manage your time together is another way to ease the tension that surrounds the father as well as the children. This way, you could get to know the likes and dislikes of the children.

As a father, you can invite your kids over your house for the weekend. Note that you should let them feel at home, be sensitive in knowing that they may feel a little awkward because of the different surroundings or house rules compared to where they are living. The last thing on your mind is to give them a new set of rules all at once. Just focus on the children’s needs when they are with you.

There also comes a time when kids come to an age where they resist seeing you on visitation day or they do not like the woman you are with, just ease up and let time take its toll. It may not be an easy task but this is part of the process. Letting them know that you understand and that you are always there for them and how much love them would instill in their minds, time heals all wounds, and in time as they grow they will understand the circumstances.

Being a divorced dad does not mean you are not a father anymore. You may not be a husband anymore, but you are still a father. Just let the children know that it may have not worked out with you and their mother, but your relationship with them is still the same and would never change. Let them understand that you have nothing but unconditional love for them. Let the children know that no matter what, you are still their father and that you are always there when they need you, to support them in their endeavors. Though you may live far apart, let them know that your love is unconditional and that they always have you to confide in.